'Marry a nice Chinese boy'

Differences often have little to do with race, but more with expectations.

"Marry a nice Chinese boy. One like your father." My grandmother used to drill this into me and my cousins. We were all growing up in Canada and being constantly reminded we were Chinese and should stick with our own. Worse yet, we were growing up in cities where it wasn't uncommon for people to stare when an Asian person entered the room. This changed as I grew older, but I still remember what it was like.

Cross-cultural marriages existed in my family and in families we knew, but I recall being told stories that showed why these marriages didn't work. The conclusion, in most cases, was that the marriages failed because they involved a Chinese and a Caucasian.

There was a Chinese doctor who took a Caucasian wife. He had to have an operation and around the same time, another doctor friend who was also Chinese had a similar procedure. The former died and the latter lived to a ripe old age. The Chinese community buzz was that perhaps the first died because his white wife did not know how to prepare the traditional healing soups he needed while recuperating.

I was a child and as I listened to the ladies discussing this, I thought: "I better learn how to make those soups and tonics!"

Early in life, I had decided that I needed to one day marry a "nice Chinese boy". That was what was expected of me as the oldest grandchild. Over the years, the message had been revised to, "If you can't marry Chinese, then Asian will do. At least your children will look Chinese."

I realize now they had my best interests at heart and truly believed that marrying someone from the same race was the best thing. However, what they missed was that I was growing up very "Western," with a lot of "white" ideas.

When I started dating, it was really no surprise that I did what any well-behaved Chinese-Canadian girl did, I dated a nice Chinese boy.

He gave me a box of handmade Belgium chocolates on our first date. My mother told me I should give them back unless I was "serious" about him. Serious? I had only been out on one date with the guy and I'd already eaten one of the chocolates!

I did end up marrying a Chinese guy though. He was from Hong Kong and we met while we were both at university in Canada. He appreciated that I was sociable and would sometimes chat happily with complete strangers. He liked that I was independent and had my own opinions. Then we moved to together to Hong Kong.

Initially, my mother-in-law was unhappy that I was "stealing" her only son, then told me she thought of me as if I were her own daughter. She would make Chinese soup and give a large bowl to her son and a small bowl to me. She explained how I should be more like her, a good Chinese homemaker.

My husband became a different person when we returned to his home country. He decided I wasn't Chinese enough in the way I acted and dressed. I needed to speak more Cantonese. I needed to be the "little woman" and never question anything he said in front of people even if I knew he was wrong.

I found this all very stressful. New country. New culture. No friends. And now, it seemed, no freedom to be myself.

Needless to say, most of our conversations became arguments, usually ending with me having to admit that I was wrong and didn't understand some cultural nuance. He was, after all, teaching me how to be a better person, or so he told me.

The marriage didn't last and now that I am married to a person whose opinion I seek and respect, who loves me for who I am, and who accepts that there are differences between us, I am thankful to be able to enjoy my life with my Dutch Caucasian husband and our multicultural daughter.

China Daily