What better solution than bundling bored and mischievous Chinese teenagers off to "Uncle" Jacob in Shanghai during these hot and stuffy holidays. It beats having to keep checking what they are up to when the parents are eking out a living by slaving away at equally hot and stuffy offices.

And so it comes to pass every year that phone calls are received by jolly sounding business associates and far away friends, thought to have been long lost, announcing the arrival of one or more striplings. "We thought it would be sooooooh marvelous for Xu Meng to speak English (or German or French) 24 hours a day and he would, of course, also help you perfect your Chinese, DEAR Uncle Jacob..."

Pertinent dates of arrival and intended departure are usually best kept secrets which makes planning ahead a trifle more challenging but once these things are eventually sorted out, we dutifully trot off to the Shanghai Railway station/Bus station/Pudong Airport to look for unfamiliar faces.

The first thing junior does after having dropped his bag (anywhere) is grab the TV remote control, apparently oblivious to the fact that I was actually totally absorbed in the latest archaeological digs on CCTV 9, and progressively switching through all the channels to settle on something more to his taste, which is usually NOT CCTV 9 fare.

Other entertainment facilities in the residence include a Sony playstation machine and this greatly adds to the fun. I have consecutively numbered and filed the playstation disks in a voluminous binder holding 100 units. Chances are, played disks are either accumulated in a heap in front of the box or filed at random in any old available slot.

Lessons in applied physics are also attempted and after some time the message that when we "open" the air-conditioner, we close the doors, might actually sink in.

Dinner time can also be fun. "Uncle Jacob, we would REALLY like to try out German food" I then retort "but Chinese people generally are not very partial to Continental food." When then, after much persuasion some outlandish dishes are finally concocted by yours truly, usually only tiny morsels are eaten with barely suppressed "Yuks" and we might finish up at McDonald's anyway.

The showering etiquette of the Chinese also differs from ours, I have discovered.

In fact, bathing cannot even be considered unless a mini towel is provided; this is used not only like a washing-mitten, common in some European countries, but also to dry oneself at the end of the show.

And then, when the re-education progress is nearly complete, but not quite, there may be an announcement like: "We are flying back at 10:00am this morning." Sure, sure, sure!

Tearful farewells on departure, followed a few hours later by deliriously happy parents expressing their satisfaction with the return of a barely recognizable, fully re-educated and well mannered stripling.

Ah, for the holidays.

Maybe I should start a vacation "Etiquette-and-care-for-your-fellow-being" camp for teenagers next year and make some cash!

(HK Edition 08/01/2003 page1)