Chinese-speaking competition makes me feel small

All they saw was some goofy 26-year-old challenger dash in the middle of what had been a cute gathering of adorable little kiddies speaking Chinese in front of proud parents.

But there I was, spoiling this otherwise precious moment.

I gazed out at several hundred middle-aged family-types, crinkling disapproving foreheads at the stage - that is, at me for getting on it.

I just beamed at them with a grin that must have looked as dumb as I felt.

Only the event organizer, who'd talked me into signing up, smiled back.

She repeatedly jabbed her thumb into the air and bounced her chin in approval.

Since there was no escape, I figured I'd best just look on the bright side: At least I hadn't agreed to a basketball match.

I wasn't sure if it would be more embarrassing for me to win or lose. It almost didn't matter at this point.

The host started with little David - the toddler had wandered offstage again - who was asked to repeat "ni hao" (hello).

Next, Nolan had to ask "nihao ma?" (how are you?). His big brother got "wo hen hao, ni ne?" (I'm fine, how are you?).

By the time my turn had come, I was wondering how you say, "I wish a magical trapdoor would materialize beneath my feet", in Mandarin.

I was asked to repeat, "wei renmin fuwu" (serve the people). And then the contest was over. While I'd lost my dignity, I won a thermos.

But the real prize from the experience was learning to make sure I know what I'm up against before entering any contest in China.