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Fight against mums, officials
By Luke Holden (China Daily)
Updated: 2010-03-02 13:38
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There was an interesting story last week about a woman, asking to be known as Vivian, who advertised online for a man to pretend to be her boyfriend while her mother visited her.
The intention was simple; she wanted to prove success in her life-away-from-home by having met a man who could take care of her. The advert read as follows:
"I will pay 100 yuan per day, excluding bills. You should look over 30, and make my mother feel secure about the relationship. You should have a stable job, such as a public servant, or at least be able to pretend that to my mother when we meet. It is better you have a car and an apartment."
Rather than stand up to her mother, Vivian preferred to lie as a temporary fix. She admitted not having thought it through, but selected her course of action from a desperate need to escape an awkward situation. She said if she didn't succeed, her mother would drag her back to her hometown.
One word describes Vivian: pathetic.
I have heard all the possible cultural defenses that China is a filial country and that it is often easier to be secretive, rather than stand up for your rights in the quest for independence. In response, I have to say that these are all simply excuses for being weak.
What hope can someone like Vivian have in later life, since competition and hierarchy are so commonplace in today's China? What will she do when confronted by an angry neighbor or fussy colleague? Whimper quietly and accept all blame, I predict.
More importantly, why didn't Vivian's mother prepare her better when she was bringing her up? Rather than make her daughter strong enough to handle whatever the world might throw at her, she has turned her into a frightened child who lies for an easy life.
Not being able to stand up to a parent will bring future problems too, the most significant of which is when the hapless child finally decides to start her own personal relationship.
What will Vivian do if her mother tells her to kill her newfound love? She can certainly expect the standard public announcement that her partner is not good enough for her, and might even experience the aggressor attacking the very person she wants to share a future with.
Vivian, like many young people in China, would benefit from learning to stand up for choices in life against a family hierarchy that dominates over virtually everything else.
I leave this idea slightly open, in reference to a recent statement from a politician - Yu Zaiqing, deputy director of the General Administration of Sport of China and vice-chairman of the International Olympic Committee - who told the Two Sessions that: "Athletes should thank the country before they thank their parents after winning a gold medal."
I view this as yet another example of bullying, not from the mother but from the motherland - possibly the only power qualified to dominate an angry parent. At some point though, all these people have to be challenged or they will push you around forever.
A quick scan through online forums does highlight the suggestion that many Chinese citizens will defend an athlete's right to praise the people who matter first, and not simply their source of funds.
But the Internet is largely anonymous, and I would predict far fewer responses without the freedom to disguise identities. Remaining nameless from the government is easy, but your mum knows who you are.
My point here is that successful confrontation comes from the strength to do it, regardless of what the other person thinks of you. Whether it is fighting for your right to be who you are and what you want, or deciding who to thank for your successes in life, it won't happen unless you make it happen. Vivian evidently doesn't have the guts.
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