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Time to evict the renter

By Dinah Chong Watkins (China Daily)
Updated: 2010-08-05 09:29

The story remains the same, only the names of the heartbroken have changed. "Lee" and "May" have been dating for more than five years. Theirs is a comfortable relationship. Familiar routines, shared friends, even perhaps, rent or a mortgage split two ways. But what is not on the table is marriage. Sure, there have been times when the subject is broached, but mixed in with forthright declarations of love are justifications for delay and conversational detours that steer the issue back to its usual cul-de-sac. Nevertheless, time waits for no man or woman, and as she calculates the years left on her biological clock, waves of anxiety begin to rock the boat.

Then there it is. The Ultimatum. One of them (it's usually him) balks and she's soon packing up the dishes, microwave, linens, mattress and sofa while he crams the X-Box into a backpack and hops into a cab; only to resurface a year later on Facebook with photos of himself and his new bride sipping cappuccino at a Parisian sidewalk cafe, trs chic! Meanwhile, back at the studio sublet; her prime years lost to that dead-end renter, she's left tilling a barren field sprinkled with aging Lotharios and serial husbands, looking for wife number five. And while revenge fantasies may give her some solace in the first few months, wouldn't it be better to know how to spot a "renter" versus a "buyer" in the first place?

Surveys show that the majority of men decide within a few dates whether the woman they're dating has the makings of a potential wife. The shortcoming of this is he'll usually not let on to the woman his musings. So, if you're traveling on the "Will you marry me" expressway, the bended knee and the ring will be stops along the way. However, if you're on the "I love you - but " pot-hole-ridden county lane, put it into high gear and take the first exit on the right. Still, how do I know which side of the white picket fence I'm on, you ask?

Since the introduction of the birth control pill and the accompanying sexual revolution, the concept of dating has changed significantly from long-term commitment to short-term companionship. Gone are the days when a couple who "lived together" was a juicy bit of gossip or a valid reason for dear old dad to haul out the shotgun and a preacher.

While there are too many disparities between males and females to list, two of the more noteworthy differences are a man's need for physical companionship and a woman's need for emotional intimacy. Which is why in the age of "friends with benefits" and casual "hook-ups", we see men using intimacy to gain sex and women using sex to gain intimacy.

Now, let's assume by the time you've reached the mutual tweaking of toes and other parts under the covers; the man at this stage has a pretty good idea of whether she'll be the missus to his mister. And gals, this is where you should be looking for the emergency exit; because if a woman cares, shares and bares all for him; he's likely to move in with her, wife material or not.

How do you find out whether he's a buyer or a renter? The method is surprisingly easy and has been tested time and time again. Don't have sex. (Yes, I hear the hordes of angry men storming the virtual gates of my webpage with pitchforks and torches right now). For the reason that, in general, a man will not continue to date a woman he has no intention of marrying if abstinence is the rule. Renters will run for the hills, the subway, the bus, even a 60's era Flying Pigeon will do. Alternately, romantic fools that they are; buyers will continue to woo and court a woman; having faith she is "The One" even if the nights end only with a hug and a goodnight kiss (discreetly followed by a cold shower, alone). Here's the upside though, the dating period becomes shorter waaaay shorter.

And ye that I walk through the valley of disapproving playboys; isn't it reasonable for couples to find out if they're compatible physically before committing to a life time of monogamy? It sounds so sensible on the surface but really, sex is just a matter of mashing up bits and pieces together at various angles. All which can be learned through trial and error, cable TV and Google search. But the kind of man or woman who would contemplate dumping the other because he/she didn't rock their world in bed; is that the kind of person you would consider "The One" for you?

It's been said that equally important to the successful sale or rental of a home is the compatibility and common goals of the seller and the buyer/renter. Each of them must agree on what they want, what they're getting and how long the commitment will be.

And so, it's the same strategy whether you're seeking a buyer or avoiding a renter; give them the tour of the home with its unique attributes and amenities, but rule out the sleep-over's until the contract is - like the Stevie Wonder classic - signed, sealed and delivered (I'm yours!).