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Matchmaking often becomes about the girl in the middle

By Huang Yuli (China Daily)
Updated: 2010-08-24 08:11

ZHANG CHENGLIANG/CHINA DAILY

A love confession turned out to be the root of guilt for my friend, Jane.

A month ago, she made a match between her dorm roommate and her classmate from high school. The two exchanged phone numbers and went out for dinner.

Three weeks later, the guy confessed to Jane that she -Jane - was the one he was really interested in and he asked whether she could be his girlfriend.

The guy waited for her downstairs at her dorm, holding a bunch of flowers and a jumbo-size teddy bear, and recited a long love letter he had written.

And he was seen not only by Jane, but also by her roommate.

Fortunately, the roommate didn't mind too much because she wasn't into this guy, but Jane felt awful - and, a little bit moved.

Anyway, she surrendered under his love offensive not long after and they soon began showing up as a pair around campus.

I was not surprised with her choice, since, when it comes to choosing between a boyfriend and a friend, women are much more likely to choose the former. But it is a little surprising just how often this scenario plays out.

Apparently, more than a few matchmakers have ended up with men they had initially tried to introduce to others.

I wondered: What's the magic?

I got the answer when a fabulous single woman who is never short of admirers told me she introduces some of them to her single friends. These men, while not good enough to be her boyfriend, are perfect as friends.

"Setting them up with your friends is a good way to stay in touch with them," she said.

It sounded as if she created a win-win situation for all - her friends, her back-ups and herself as well.

But, the thing is, if a guy you rejected once before happens to fascinate your girl friend, you could be so impressed that you begin to reconsider his charm, as well as his chances with you.

The minute your attitude toward him changes, you are very likely to leave your girl friend in a dangerous position where she ends up a victim.

I won't say it's out of jealousy because it's possible you didn't realize you would actually fall for him until you heard so many good things about him from another female.

However, it's for sure you knew you liked this man from the very beginning: You would not set him up with your friend if he was not nice. So it's very unfair for your girl friend.

Though love comes first, it's too high a price to sacrifice friendship for it, especially in today's world, where good friends are not easy to find.

My suggestion is not to play matchmaker at all. Matchmakers are in a way like house agents. They try to satisfy both tenant and landlord and sometimes that is an impossible mission.

Amanda, a publisher, is another example.

She introduced a boy to her girlfriend after he had chased her and

she had rejected him. Just like Jane, she stole him back in the end. But it was more awkward in this case since her friend actually really liked this guy.

As a result, Amanda decided to keep the relationship a secret from her friend. She didn't pluck up the courage to tell her until after three years.

At first, she felt really bad, but she felt good again soon after.

She felt good because she realized she and her friend were not that close after all.

Lucky her. But not everyone's got the luck.

China Daily

(China Daily 08/24/2010)