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Ditching kids will haunt you

By William Axford (China Daily)
Updated: 2010-08-25 08:49

One of the best scenes I've witnessed within Beijing consists of a young couple with their child, a small family strolling down the sidewalk in the evening as the day cools.

The accompanying child is generally happy, and smiling as the parents are affectionate and careful with their young offspring. You don't need to speak the language or even be aware of the culture to know that two parents helping out with one kid is a good thing.

This imagery seems to be endangered, however.

Last Friday's article in China Daily When love no longer reigns for 'kings & queens' reported that divorce rates are rising among the '80s generation.

It wasn't the fact that divorces were becoming more frequent that bothered me. What concerned me the most was how these young couples viewed their children during a divorce.

"Rather than fighting for custody, more young couples are going to court because neither of them wants to take care of their children."

This quote came from Wang Jianzhong, a judge at the capital's Fengtai District People's Court, a man who has, no doubt, seen his fair share of divorces.

Surely, my eyes were deceiving me as I read the article. In a country where couples are only allowed one child, neither parent wants to raise their offspring? It depresses me to think that some children in Beijing will have to grow up unwanted. And sadly, I know exactly how they'll feel once they grow up.

My parents divorced when I was 5. My father gained custody following the divorce and, as a consequence, my mother was nowhere near as influential on me as she should have been. She did what many of these young couples are looking to do - spent time alone and matured without the responsibility of being a parent. And though I love her dearly, I still have feelings of disappointment that my mother did not live up to the role she imposed upon herself.

As if not wanting your own child wasn't enough, the young mindset behind divorce is equally as baffling.

"People say we are an irresponsible generation but I think divorces show we are serious about our lives and our responsibilities," said Liu Yan.

This is one of the most selfish statements I have ever read. There's nothing more irresponsible than abandoning your child because you feel the need to "find yourself." What Liu Yan fails to understand is that once you have children they become an integral part of your life. Raising your child is your biggest responsibility.

And what will happen to these parents as they get older? Do they expect the child that they didn't want to raise to take care of them? If so, the '80s generation is far more selfish and undeserving than I gave them credit for.

Some aspects of life are circular and the relationship between children and parents is no different. Your children will remember forever that you were not there for them and will justly scoff at you when it comes time for them to take care of you in your old age.

Another absurd line I read in the article dealt with how attitudes toward divorce should shift.

"It shows divorce is not treated as a bad thing anymore," said a worker called Wu at Beijing's Xicheng district registry office. "Just like marriage, it marks a new era for couples and should be celebrated."

Divorce should not be celebrated. Easy divorces teach young people that they don't have to solve their problems, that it's perfectly acceptable to walk away rather than working it out. It allows people to be careless without realizing the full repercussions.

If you're going through a divorce, reconsider what you're doing when you say you don't want to be part of your child's life. Yes, I realize that sometimes divorce is necessary for the sanity of both parents. But not being a parent has far worse consequences than you can imagine. Abandon a child and you will abandon your future.

Raise a child the best you can, though, and the rewards will follow you well into your old age.

CHINA DAILY

(China Daily 08/25/2010)