Life

Clever women show weaknesses

By Liu Yujie (China Daily)
Updated: 2011-03-08 07:58

Li Lingyao, author of To Be Mature is More Important Than being Successful for Women. [Photo/China Daily]

Author says women in Beijing still have difficulties finding ways to balance their work and family life, Liu Yujie reports.

Tuesday is International Women's Day, an occassion to celebrate 101 years of women's achievements and the struggle for greater equality and real choices. But what do women in China want today?

Well, Andy Lau, according to the latest blockbuster.

Which might perhaps be not that far from the truth.

"Women's feelings of happiness are more closely related to being loved than men," said Li Lingyao, best-selling author of To Be Mature is More Important Than being Successful for Women.

Li has been giving lectures on women's issues to MBA and EMBA students at Peking University for the past five years and said her female students are "more likely to be plagued by problems in love and marriage".

She said that the psychology of the two sexes is different and that the personal realm is much more important for women than men.

"The two sexes are born with different roles to play in a relationship. Men are like fire, while women are like water. The former needs to be respected and admired, while the latter needs to be loved and protected."

A survey done by a group of US scientists lends support to Li's argument. When 400 men and 400 women were asked to choose between being unloved but respected, or loved rather than respected, 300 men said they would rather be respected while almost all the women said they would prefer to be loved.

Li said that for women to be happy they should establish different priorities at different stages in their lives, such as studying, working, being in love, getting married, having children, retirement and so on.

"If you want to put big stones, small stones and sand in a bottle, you have to put in the big stones first, then the small ones, and then last of all the sand. If you don't do it in this order, you won't get them all in the bottle. Life is the same; there are priorities. Don't say you forgot to have children when you are no longer able to, and don't say I regret wasting study time when I was young and now I've accomplished nothing."

She said that many Chinese women who have successful careers fail in their marriages because they are too accustomed to being superior and giving orders and they find it difficult to change roles in the home and become the traditional tender wife who respects her husband and is a loving mother.

"Clever women are good at showing their weakness in front of their husbands, as no marriage can contain two fires."

But Li does not encourage women who think their marriage has failed to get a divorce, as it is much harder for a divorced woman to find a new partner than it is for a man.

She refers to another survey done in Beijing several years ago, which tracked 110 couples that divorced and found that in the following three years, more than 70 men get married again, but only seven women managed to do so.

"Statistically speaking, divorced women with children find it far more difficult to get married a second time. I think that's because most men do not like a socially complicated woman. Therefore women should be careful about divorce," Li said.

She said embracing the responsibilities of marriage is important in order to make it work, which in turn brings its own rewards.

"You feel happy when you are needed by someone, and you know you can do something valuable for them."

Living abroad for years, Li also has lots of insights into cross-cultural differences and said a dual-cultural background can offer the best traits from both the East and the West.

"I noticed with my daughters' girlfriends. Her American friends are more open, optimistic and vivacious, but they are sometimes too self-centered. Those born in the US but with Chinese cultural backgrounds are more internalized and think more about others."

Li concludes that for a woman to be happy in the Chinese social context she needs to have a job that provides social benefits and be a considerate wife who sincerely appreciates her husband, a loving mother who takes good care of her children and lets them develop their own potential, and a filial daughter to her parents and parents-in-law.

"Life is like a circle, which takes a lot of people and things to complete, like your personal interests and hobbies, your career, your family and friends, spiritual growth, and so on. A happy life must be rich in all of these."