Pulse

'Always paying for meals is a pain'

(China Daily)
Updated: 2011-05-23 08:03

When I go out with my Chinese girlfriend, she always expects me to pay for meals, even though she's a lawyer and fairly well paid. I'm 34 and from the United States; she's slightly younger. Even though I like her, this little thing about her has started to annoy me. Should I say something?

Chinese men wouldn't think of asking their girlfriends to pick up the tab because paying the bill gives them face. It would be gracious on her part to pick up the tab from time to time, but that's not part of the culture.

You could discuss with her that, back home in the US, men and women often share the cost. However, know that anyway you put it you're going to look like a cheapskate.

Is it the money or the principal that upsets you? No one wants to be taken advantage of, but are you looking at the trees and missing the forest?

Think about the ways she shows her appreciation of you. Lawyers have notorious working hours so maybe by ensuring time for you she's making a sacrifice on her part.

I've only been dating my girlfriend for four months but she's already talking about moving in together. She's Chinese and I'm British, but we're both in our early 20s. I really like her but I think our relationship is moving too fast. How do I tell her this without upsetting her?

Most likely, however you say it will upset her. Your goal should be to have an honest discussion, delivered gently without it ending in hysterics.

Timing and location is everything. Tell her ahead of time you want to have a talk and do it in private. She may be ready for a commitment but you may not be.

There's no right or wrong here. Conflict is normal in a relationship. Don't avoid it; learn how to resolve it constructively.

Need relationship advice from METRO's agony aunt? E-mail your questions to metrobeijing@chinadaily.com.cn. Please give as many details about yourself and the situation as possible. All information provided will be kept in the strictest confidence.

(China Daily 05/23/2011)