Sleep? I've got too much worrying to do

My brother sent this email to me: "My bed is a magical place where I can suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do."

I've always been a rotten sleeper. My brother also used to be a rotten sleeper but now he says he just waits until 1 am before lying down. Such tricks don't work for me: As soon as I shut my eyes, I'm met with an elaborate display constructed by the Freudian Fireworks Company spelling out the word "Failure".

The moment I put my head on the pillow, I picture myself standing in front of a judge holding an impressive ledger inscribed with every task I've left undone as well as everything I might've done better.

The last time I remember doing everything right was on the occasion of my first communion. That was in 1963, which was the year ZIP codes were introduced. It's been a while since I haven't worried about messing up.

After that, I'm awake for a month.

A person can't even watch television before bed anymore. I'm not talking about watching panel discussions on cable stations where people from opposing viewpoints face each other in a cage match. I'm talking about watching broadcasters on local stations.

I used to love listening to the weather report before going to sleep. It was soothing. Not anymore. I keep a notebook and pen near the bed (because sleep experts insist that having a laptop in the bedroom is as disruptive as having a ferret in your pillow) so I can tell you exactly what I heard before switching off the TV last night: "After the break, we'll talk about what kind of impacts this storm system will have on the morning commute because of the severe rains that are coming in tomorrow morning. Stay tuned."

I'm no meteorologist, but the "impact" of rain is that you're going to get wet. I don't think that's something you need to sit through a Subaru ad to discover. It's going to be a rainy day, it's gonna take you longer to get to work, you could end up damp and you'll probably be in a bad mood when you arrive.

Because we want to blame the inability to sleep on something other than ourselves, we now blame the beds. Mattresses have become our enemy. You can now buy beds that lift you up, making your ankles higher than your thorax, or ones guaranteeing your shoulders are warmer than your buttocks. You could have a bed that makes you into a balloon animal. It's like joining the Cirque du Soleil every night.

Can I tell you a secret? If you can't sleep, it's not because of the bed. People used to sleep on mattresses made by stuffing corn husks into a sack - and those were the aristocrats. Most people slept on the ground for that nice firm feeling and so they could run when an animal started chasing them. Basically they were pretty tired from herding goats. They slept well because they were physically exhausted. Their anxieties were also more immediate than ours. ("Honey, do you think we'll get beaten to death by the Visigoths tonight?" "Nah. I heard it's going to rain. They don't like the rain.")

I've known few truly talented sleepers. I had a roommate back in college who could've been on the Olympic sleep team. She was world-class. But even she now wanders through her house like a wraith after midnight trying to figure out whether it'd be easier to fall asleep in the armchair or on the couch.

During these turbulent times, I bet we're losing even moderately good sleepers to insomnia on a nightly basis. We're fraught and overwrought.

We not only need sleep, we need rest. We need to take some lightheartedness, herd our worst thoughts like goats into a pen and speak again in the morning.

Tribune News Service

睡觉？我还有很多操心的事儿呐

我弟弟给我发了这样一封电子邮件：“我的床是个神奇的地方，躺在上面，我能马上想起我本该去做的每一件事。”

我一直都是个入睡困难的人。我弟弟以前也是，但现在他说，他会等到凌晨1点再上床睡觉。这样的招数对我来说根本不管用，只要我闭上眼，就会在脑海中看到弗洛伊德烟花公司精心准备的烟花表演拼出一个“失败者”的字样。

我躺下来的那一瞬间，就会想象着自己正站在一位法官面前，对方手里拿着一本让人看了就忘不掉的的账簿，记刻着每一件我未完成的以及可能会做得更好的事。

我记得最近一次我把每件事都做得规规矩矩是在我第一次参加圣餐仪式的时候。那是在1963年，那年刚开始通用邮政编码。到现在，我一直在担心自己会把事情搞砸了。

夜晚对失败的恐惧和焦虑通常始于对一些小事的自我埋怨：如果不去宠物市场的话，猫粮还够撑一个星期吗？然后我会为被解救的动物感到难过，接着我会立刻想到孤儿、难民和流浪汉，谴责自己没有为全球饥饿和居住问题做出更多贡献。

然后，我就会失眠一个月。

我甚至不能再在睡前看电视。我说的可不是有线电视台播放的那种像是被关在笼子里的两派观点相左的人的辨论争斗节目。我说的是地方台播放的节目。

我过去喜欢在睡前听天气预报，这能让我镇静下来。现在可不行了。我会在床边放一个笔记本和一支笔（因为睡眠专家坚称，把笔记本电脑放在卧室，就像把雪貂放在枕头里一样，会破坏你的睡眠），所以我能确切地告诉你，昨晚我关上电视前听到的节目内容：“稍事休息后，我们来讲讲明天早上的暴雨所形成的风暴云系会对早上的通勤造成怎样的影响。不要走开。”

虽然我不是气象学家，但暴雨的“影响”就是人们会被淋湿。我认为这不是需要听完插播的斯巴鲁汽车广告后才能发现的事儿。明天会下雨，上班路上会花更长的时间，到公司后，可能成了落汤鸡，大概心情会很糟糕。

因为我们往往想把无法入睡的原因归咎于其他事情，而不是自己身上，所以我们会抱怨是床的问题。床垫成了敌人。我们现在可以买到把人升起来的床，使人的脚踝高于胸腔的床，或是能够保证肩部比臀部更暖和的床。还有可以像用气球做动物似的把人变换一定形状的床，每晚躺在上面就像加入了太阳马戏团。

我能向你透露一个秘密吗？如果你无法入睡，不是因为床有问题。人们过去会睡在用玉米壳装的麻袋做成的床垫上，这可是贵族们享有的待遇。古时大部分人都直接睡在地上，因为感觉踏实，当野兽开始追赶他们时，他们能马上逃跑。可以说那时的人因为放羊而感到非常疲惫，睡得香是因为身体乏累。他们的焦虑也比我们的更直接。（“亲爱的，你觉得我们今晚会被西哥特人打死吗？”“不会啦，我听说要下雨，他们不喜欢下雨。”）

我认识的人里，没有谁是真正天生的睡眠高手。我大学时的一位室友，当时都可以入选“快速睡眠”奥运代表队。她当时可是世界一流的入睡高手。可如今，她也会像幽灵一样，半夜在屋子里来回游荡，反复琢磨着是躺在扶手椅上还是沙发上更易入睡。

(本段的翻译有奖征集中)

我们不仅需要睡眠，也需要放松。我们需要舒缓下来，像赶羊入圈一样把那些睡前的杂念收拢起来，留到第二天再说不迟。

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上期获奖者：广西南宁　广西师范学院　卯雨婧