Xu Xiaomin

To go, or not to go to a wedding

By Xu Xiaomin (China Daily)
Updated: 2010-09-11 07:40

The cool breeze coming through the window has reminded us that the much anticipated fall season is here to bring welcome relief from the oppressive heat of the past several months. I've carefully drawn up a vacation plan for October as a reward to myself for the hard work done in the past months covering the Shanghai Expo.

Now, I must check my ambition by drastically cutting down my planned travel budget because of what accountants would describe as a sizable amount, to me at least, of contingent expenditure. I knew that fall is traditionally the season for marriages in Shanghai, and probably around the nation. But I didn't expect that I'd receive invitations to two wedding parties in October. I don't know if more are coming.

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I am glad for my friends who have finally decided to tie the knot after so many years of roller-coaster courtship. At least, I will be spared the trouble of having to sit through hours at home or coffee shops listening to one of the other complaining about her boorish boyfriend.

But there is no free wedding party. Although there are no fixed charges for guests, Shanghai, one of the nation's most expensive cities, has some unwritten norms for the amount you should gift a new couple: The grade of the restaurant where the wedding dinner is held, your relationship with the new couple, and whether the new couple or their families are useful to you.

Since those getting married are my close friends, I have budgeted to give each one a gift of 1,000 yuan, in cash, of course, for their weddings even if that means skimping on my travel.

Weddings in Shanghai have become an entirely standardized affair right down to the boutonniere worn by the grooms. I also find them to be boring sometimes, especially those pre-dinner speeches of parents, friends, bosses and colleagues.

But we keep getting invitations and keep going to parties simply to give face to our friends. A colleague, who belongs to a big local clan, told me she had received three invitations to weddings in October. One of those came from someone she had never met. It was for the wedding of a nephew of her uncle's mother-in-law.

I suspect that this very distant relative of my colleague is trying to make money from his own wedding by inviting more people who he is sure will give gifts in cash but have no intention to turn up at the party.

But what if the new couples are useful people such as children of powerful families? Of course, it is our pleasure to be invited and how could we complain about gifting money?

A deputy director of a public security branch in Shenzhen airport reportedly invited about 1,200 guests to her daughter's wedding party at the beginning of this year. Of course, such officials won't ask people to send money directly. But who can deny a bureau official's invitation or would go to the banquet empty-handed?

It is reasonable to conclude that giving a "red envelope" is the best way of getting close to a powerful group.

As relatives and friends of a newly wed couple, it is fine to chip in with some help. But wedding parties are becoming increasingly extravagant and expectations that guests would pay accordingly have become too high.

Many of my married friends have said the day of their wedding was not their most romantic in life, because the first thing they did after the end of the ceremony was to count the money in the hundreds of envelopes.

When I heard this, I decided I should definitely marry someone and hold a wedding party to recoup all the money I have given to my friends at their wedding parties.

This author is chief correspondent of China Daily's Shanghai Office. She can be reached at xuxiaomin@chinadaily.com.cn.