The new, smart alternative to divorce
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Instead of calling a lawyer, do you just need to escape? [Photo/China Daily] |
With the rise in so-called 'relationship sabbaticals', the rush to divorce is slowing down. Instead of calling a lawyer, do you just need to escape? LOLA BORG Relationship sabbaticals suddenly seem to be A Thing. As usual, celebrities lead the way－Emma Thompson recommends them for us all ("Every marriage should have a kind of a sabbatical," she has said. "Couples should be forced to take a break from each other every so often, if just for a year or so").
Donna Air and James Middleton (brother of Kate) had one when he headed off to Hong Kong on business; Gwyneth and Chris Martin were probably having one for years, without anyone realising, before they consciously uncoupled.
Plenty of celebrities are doing a handbrake turn on divorces, too; Phil Collins, for example, is about to remarry his ex-wife after 10 years apart.
One recent survey－funded by lawyers－found that some 22 per cent of divorcees regret theirs. Possibly because more couples are cohabiting first, they are slower to commit to marriage; but they also seem less keen to rush to divorce.
Rates have fallen to their lowest level for 40 years (with the exception being "silver splitters", those racy over-50s). These disparate facts point to the idea that many couples seem increasingly willing to work through other options before hitting the nuclear button.
When marriage becomes dull
Ask anyone who has been there: divorce can be expensive, bitter and have a slow recovery time. Could there be an alternative? It seems so.
"We definitely reached a point where I wasn't desperately unhappy but I wasn't happy either," says Bee, 48, a writer. "My marriage was dull and I'd stopped bothering.
"I was toying with all kinds of ideas－even finding someone to have an affair with－and I fantasised about divorce." So she manoeuvred a situation that meant she "had" to work away from home.
On deadline with a book, she borrowed a friend's apartment in Paris to take herself out of the family home and away from her husband and teenage children for six weeks.
"My husband wasn't happy at all, but it was 'work', I reasoned, and it would just mean no distractions." It was, she says, "fabulous. I was terrified and lonely at first but then... I suppose I knew I had someone to go back to."
Did it work? "Yes, and I'd do it again, like a shot. He came for a weekend and we had fun in a way we hadn't for years.
"When I came back it was a bit awkward. I got the feeling he felt resentful. But getting away gave me a freedom I hadn't had before－I felt that if I had escaped once, I could do it again－and as a result I felt less trapped.
"So, once we had settled back in, our relationship improved. As clichéd as it sounds, we had more fun. I think I'm more accepting now. Will it be a short-term fix? I don't know, but it satisfied an itch and it gave me space to remember what I'd liked about him in the first place."
The intention of returning
The idea of a relationship sabbatical－where you absolutely have the intention of returning, as opposed to a separation, which is more ambiguous－came from US journalist Cheryl Jarvis, who published a book about her own sabbatical and thus raised the question of how women might keep both their relationship and "themselves".
Women struggle to keep their identity in a marriage, Jarvis argues, and what she dubbed a sabbatical is one way to reclaim it. Separating physically, she advises, makes it clear you need space－and you can't get space without distance.
Modern medicine and greater life expectancy mean we potentially have longer with our partners. Add to the mix that, as a general rule, women now have greater economic freedom and there is less stigma attached to divorce, and there's no longer the expectation that we have to stick with a relationship that isn't hitting the mark.
On the other hand, many people are unwilling to throw a hand grenade into a life they have lovingly built, especially one with children, unless it is absolutely necessary.
