The new, smart alternative to divorce
"Previously in this country, when relationships broke down, there was a rush to divorce,' says Charlotte Friedman, a family law barrister, now a psychotherapist and founder of the Divorce Support Group, which helps couples to negotiate separations.
"In the legal and therapeutic process, I've seen an anxiety to get it over and done with. But I'm getting the sense now that if couples want to separate－which is fine, because why stick together if things aren't working?－they at least want to talk it through first."
Unless there is a financial imperative for divorce, or another compelling reason, sabbatical can be a softer path and a chance to try out two lives in parallel. Friedman sees this scenario increasingly adopted by clients.
"We think relationship sabbaticals can be a good idea," says family lawyer Hayley Trovato of OGR Stock Denton. "Decisions taken in haste, particularly at the height of emotion, will inevitably be bad decisions. Having a break to consider what you should do can either lead to a proper reconciliation, or to a more sensible and dignified divorce."
We all need space
For those with children, the optimum age to think about how green the grass might be minus a partner is after the youngest child has been waved off to university, when the glue of family can't hold the relationship together any longer. That's when fault lines show and women feel freer to consider their options.
"You don't necessarily need to be (working as) a couple to run the business of bringing up your children," says Friedman. Therapists I spoke to are increasingly seeing couples who need space. Ruth Knight, who specialises in couples work, now sees more people who decide they still want their relationship－but not quite as it was.
"They may be having a sabbatical without saying that's what it is," she says. Knight also sees couples who go so far as to live apart for a time. I spoke to many who have done precisely this, though there is no doubt that economic factors oil the wheels of this possibility.
Maintain the same lifestyle
Karen, 59, who is retired, was one. "We have the luxury of a second home in Spain," she says, "where my retired husband spends at least three months a year. It has saved my sanity. Would we have divorced without it? Almost certainly.
"He drives me insane if I'm with him for long periods because he gets more crotchety as he gets older. We've grown apart but we have shared history. I probably should have left him years ago and now I feel it's too late."
This arrangement, she explains, allows them to function as a couple for the family and means she can maintain the same lifestyle.
"We do still get on but it really is better when we have some distance. We can spend hours chatting on the phone when he's abroad－when he's in the same room, I feel differently," she explains. "He never gives me the impression he's counting down the time to the next break, but I certainly am."
Society is increasingly more tolerant of other relationship structures. Rachel, 45, a TV director, has been married for 18 years and regularly escapes from her partner.
"Of course I love John, but it gets a bit mundane," she says.
"I could have an affair but that would be so hurtful I couldn't really do it－this is by far the better option."
With older children, she no longer feels tied to the home. "I go away on location with work once or twice a year, and we holiday apart when we can. Just because you're married and you love them, doesn't mean you want to be with them all the time."
There have been times she has considered leaving, she says. "In retrospect I'm glad I haven't left. We've kept the family together, we get along well. Would I call it a sabbatical? Probably not, but in effect that's what it is, even if he doesn't realise."
