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Rant messed with my mind

By Linda Gibson (China Daily)
Updated: 2010-01-18 08:54

Since I'm not Chinese, it's very likely that the humor attempted in Tuesday's column, Dear Laowai, don't mess with our Chinese-ness, was simply lost on me.

In case you missed it, the Chinese columnist ordered foreigners to stay away from chicken feet, sea cucumbers and firecrackers.

"These are things we reserve for ourselves," she wrote, "and it really doesn't matter how long you have been here, just don't assume you can be one of us."

We were told that foreigners munching on chicken feet are just show-offs, that dinner hosts don't order sea cucumbers for foreigners but for their Chinese guests, and that "fireworks are not for barbarians like you".

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Rant messed with my mind Dear laowai, don't mess with our Chinese-ness

At first, it was possible to assume that the column was intended as a funny, light-hearted comment on the cultural differences between Chinese and their foreign guests.

So I overlooked the barbed comment about "foreigners like yourselves" coming here to make money and "marry our women".

But when she dismissed as "unimpressive" our attempts to be polite by trying to eat things we never dreamed of putting into our mouths, I had to work a little harder to believe no insult was intended. Perhaps, I reasoned, it was only the English translation that suggested a slur.

But then came the screed that warned us foreigners to stay away from fireworks. "You don't understand why 1.4 billion people have to turn into pyromaniacs for one night. It's totally beyond your comprehension."

This is correct.

" it's one night when you can do some damage and get away with it," she writes. "For example, you can burn a building down, a brand new building, with stuff in it. How can you comprehend that level of generosity?"

I can't.

"Don't you dare try to do the same," she warns. "You try to burn a building down, we will kill you, because you were probably high and we really don't give a hoot whether you are mentally disturbed or whether your prime minister is going to make endless harassing phone calls."

I still want to think that this was meant only to be funny. There's no harm in Chinese poking a little fun at the strangers in their midst. Our befuddlement at the language and confusion about the culture must provide plenty of amusement.

Perhaps I'm just too sensitive, seeing insult where none was intended. But I don't need to be told that I don't fit in here. That's obvious, and pointing it out is impolite.

While I'm here, I certainly intend to sample Chinese culture to the extent that I can. It would be stupid not to, and it might help me gain understanding that eludes me in other ways.

I understand, however, that eating chicken feet and playing with fireworks will not make me Chinese, any more than eating hamburgers and playing baseball will make someone American.

And although I don't intend to burn down any buildings, I can't promise not to use fireworks. I assume that Chinese fireworks are the best in the world, and it would be a shame not to try them while here. Besides, the sight of foreigners enjoying the Spring Festival will not make it any less of a Chinese holiday. Christmas decorations in Beijing didn't make that holiday less laowai.

So please don't worry, Chinese readers. No matter how many foreigners come here, there's no chance that they will become Chinese, or that you will become less so.