Focus
Stop being picky, says 'relationship expert'
By Zhao Yanrong (China Daily)
Updated: 2010-03-26 07:53
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Zhu Li is a specialist in relationships and marriage, as well as the CEO of www.juedui100.com, one of the biggest matchmaking websites in China. She has appeared several times on television as a "relationship expert". She recently talked about the so-called "leftover women" with METRO.
METRO: How do you define "leftover women" and when did it become a popular term?
Zhu Li: "Leftover women" refers to single women who are old enough to get married but haven't done so yet. Normally in a big city like Beijing, single women must be nearly 30 year old and have a stable income to be considered "leftover women".
Back in 2005 many parents started gathering in Beijing's parks to exchange the contact information of their sons and daughters. They were worried that their children were too busy with work to meet their future partners. Many people said that, based on these gatherings, there seemed to be more women available than men, which gave rise to the term "leftover women".
METRO: Why are so many 30-year-old women still not married in Beijing, even if they are beautiful and successful?
Zhu: Some of these women say they do not believe in marriage because their parents have a bad relationship. They have lost confidence in marriage and they choose to avoid it. But this is probably only a small portion of the "leftover women".
Most simply haven't met "the right man" because they are busy with work, have a small social group and are picky. They want to fall in love, but can't find the proper match.
Many want their potential husbands to make more money than them, for example, or have a higher position in society. Some women even say they will only consider a man taller than 180 cms.
They want to be in a relationship, but they are looking at the wrong criteria for a relationship.
METRO: What advice do you have for "leftover women" who want to get married?
Zhu: Everyone has their own standards and it's good to set standards. I don't think these ladies should have low standards, but they may need to change their standards from what they think they want in a partner to what they really need.
Personality is important in a relationship. Successful career women usually have strong personalities, so they should look for generous men with whom they feel comfortable.
Inner qualities are more important than appearance or salaries. Women should look for the men who share their perspective on life rather than just looking for tall men.
I suggest such women sit down and seriously analyze what makes them happy in a relationship.
METRO: What should others do?
Zhu: The "leftover women" phenomenon is caused by society, not just by these women.
Many Chinese men say they are more open-minded these days, but still adopt the traditional Chinese way of thinking about their wives as accessories. They hope their wives are under their control and totally dependent on them.
Chinese men should learn to be proud of their wives' accomplishments. Men and women should be equal in relationships. Men should not refuse to marry women who earn similar salaries or belong to the same social echelon as them. Men should feel supported, rather than pressured, by wives who have a better career, make more money, or are in other way more successful.
Chinese men put too much emphasis on women's appearance and age. Some men have standards that even they don't meet. Unrealistic requirements are a big barrier to achieving a happy relationship.
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