Soft or tough, handle with care

By Raymond Zhou (China Daily) Updated: 2014-04-26 09:51

Generally, a person in Xu's position would say, "If you study you'll be able to achieve success and

success will bring you the kind of lifestyle you desire", and go on to list some of those things most popular with the students. Obviously, those kind of warm and fuzzy words have been repeated numerous times and have lost their efficacy. So, Xu rephrased them as a warning or taunting and, judging from online feedback, it worked. Many were indignant at what they perceived to be insensitivity.

Sensitivity is a prerequisite for educators, but extreme sensitivity could be a way of shirking responsibility. The Chinese tradition has always been criticized for being too tough on children - criticized by Chinese more than by those who learned of the Chinese way through the Tiger Mom story. And it is certainly true that, pushed to extremes, the Chinese way of talking down would deprive children of the fun of learning and be so negative that it casts a long shadow over the future life of the young.

I guess it probably took a long time for many Chinese teachers and parents to change their attitude and master the method of encouragement. It does work on many kids, or rather, in many situations. But not all kids or all situations. For some youngsters, when you say, "Be all you can be", they'll interpret it as "OK, then I'll be a drug addict".

I'm exaggerating, but not by much. Faced with the enormous pressure from mass entertainment and the values of materialism it embodies, teachers and parents will sound tame with their rhetoric of idealism. Xu's strategy, it seems to me, is to adopt the youngsters' perspective (and examples they are familiar with) and turn it on its head.

Sure, it's not the best strategy, but I won't blame him because, as a parent, I've been in similar desperation. Now there are parenting guides galore: I browse through them and start with the nice way and, when I exhaust all those possibilities, I try harsh words or threats as well. Fortunately my daughters have not reached the rebellious age yet and, honestly, I won't know what to do if they act like some teenagers who simply shut down their response system to anyone other than their peers.

I believe it is normal to go through growing pains, and adults have to learn to deal with them just as adolescents do. But if your kids are addicted to soap operas or video games, or worse, to more dangerous games such as joining a gang or drug taking, a pep talk with uplifting messages will not work. Not even tough love or growling. You may analyze the early mistakes made by parents or teachers all you want, but when it comes to that stage - I have witnessed quite a few cases - there is a sense of finality and despair.

Now I don't have any statistics. But from what I can observe, many Chinese, in their unhappiness with the traditional Chinese way, have exaggerated the US approach to parenting and education. Yes, American kids don't have to show the level of obedience to authorities as Chinese do, but by no means can they do whatever they want. I've seen how the bedtime rules are rigorously enforced in several middle-class families in my American circle. Over here in China, it seems much more difficult to make it happen. We have vaulted from too much discipline to too little in just one generation.