A duty of love

While Hong Kong is wracked by the social unrest, those responsible for upholding the law are relentlessly being demonized. A newlywed spouse tells of her ordeal with her family and friends when she tied the knot with a front-line policeman. Azam Khan reports.

He's a policeman, she's a shy woman in her early 20s, just married and going through the trauma of many in the Hong Kong Police Force — a force widely vilified for doing their duty, along with their families. Shunned by her family and friends, she struggles to cope with loneliness and isolation.

Amy, who refused to be named, has known her husband since childhood. They didn't start dating until serendipity found them working in the same building – she in administration, he a front-line policeman. They had started planning their December wedding a little over a year ago in 2018 — seemingly a perfect timing then but, it turned out otherwise.

In June last year, the first wave of the unrest plunged Hong Kong into chaos.

Wedding in dismay

Planning the wedding proved to be a struggle. Amy's husband-to-be was totally exhausted as the force was struggling with a crippling manpower shortage as it tried to quell the violent protests. She saw her fiance only a few times in November at the height of the turmoil.

Recalling her plight, Amy said: "We didn't expect things to go on for that long. But, then, the troubles peaked in November, a month before our wedding."

Amy's personal trauma wasn't so much about the troubles on the streets, but from friends and family to who she had looked for support.

"When they found I was marrying a police officer, a few bridesmaids gave up. And, one who didn't told me: 'If it weren't you who's getting married, I wouldn't be here'," she reminisced. "We ultimately had our wedding, but had thought of cancelling the banquet."

Anti-police sentiment is scribbled on walls all over the city, and the clashes almost seemed directed at the police even more than the government. Day in and day out, the police became the target, while taking the brunt of the movement's anger.

It wasn't just local opposition newspapers and members of the movement opposing the government. Many Western media shook their collective heads — and just like that, Hong Kong's once exemplary law enforcement reputation was trampled in the dirt.

"His family support what he does. Mine? It's 50-50," Amy continued. "Literally, half of my extended family wouldn't attend my wedding." She said her father, who is supportive of the protest, was devastated by this, as he couldn't understand why the relatives wouldn't put their political differences aside for his daughter's big day.

The fact that her husband's family and friends supported him came as little consolation. It compounded her own melancholic reflection that she felt truly abandoned. To borrow from Rudyard Kipling's "law of the jungle" — the strength of the pack is the wolf, and the strength of the wolf is the pack. Her pack was failing her.

Her shock at the displeasure of some of her own family members jolted her into ensuring that the wedding invitations inform all her friends that she was marrying a policeman. "On one hand, it's none of their business but, on the other, I didn't want to lie. They had a right to know."

Amy was pretty much on her own making the wedding plans. Her husband was given only a day off in the weeks before the marriage. Nobody working on the police front lines was getting much time off.

Misbeliefs bring frustration

She learned to avoid social media, littered as it is, with anti-police vitriol. The news of rioters continually clashing with police further distressed her.

Amy felt herself in conflict with some of the accusations against the police. There was the July 21 incident in Yuen Long when a mob in white T-shirts attacked black-clad protesters, beating them with sticks and canes. Police were accused of holding back and allowing the mayhem to continue for some time. "That incident really shook me. I didn't expect the police not to react, or that's what I was reading."

Her sympathy for the young people who joined the riots has wavered, back and forth. Her feelings often were swept up in the news and the outcries. The darkest moments, however, came with the reflection that she had been shunned by close friends and family. Her husband wasn't there to comfort her. He was out on the front lines.

"I started to realize more and more what the police are going through."

Her husband was among a group of officers cornered and badly outnumbered by rioters throwing bricks at them. It was his first time being set back on his heels after coming face to face with a mob that saw red.

He's always been a kind, polite person to everyone. He has always been understanding toward people harboring different political views, Amy said.

Amy looked for ways to take her mind off her distress. She signed up for yoga and calligraphy classes. Her husband, exhausted by the demands of duty and strife, tried to catch up on his sleep. He did his best during his free time to be supportive. She's gotten to know the other police families, many through her husband's friends from the wedding. She found much in common with other lonely, isolated and socially ostracized people. They had the same frustrations, the same worries about their loved ones who put their lives on the line every day.

"To me, the biggest misrepresentation of the force is that they don't love Hong Kong. It's not about loving Hong Kong or not. Of course, they love the city and are just doing their job to uphold the law and protect others, especially during the unrest."

Amy's perspective of the police changed over the year. She feels she has more understanding. Her invariable image is that the police will never abandon dignified and rational behavior. Periodically, she reinforces that image with her husband. "He doesn't argue with me, he knows this to be true. But at the same time, things are different on the front lines than what we see on TV for a fleeting moment."

Learning to stay strong

Her mindset gradually sharpened during her ordeal. Whoever comes to the wedding … comes. Whoever doesn't, well…

Some of those who had decided against attending had told her that although they wouldn't be going to her wedding out of principle, they would try to make it to the house warming, "I told them, 'what's the point of that?' I've had the family abandoning the wedding; I realized I can't expect much more from others on this."

For Amy, despite the profound impact of feeling ostracized during a time of stress in her life and in the city around her, she received some respite from friends who showed their unshakeable love and support. "I cried. That was all I needed to go ahead with the banquet which we nearly canceled."

There are variables in life we can and cannot control, and sometimes the best filters of what we need in our lives are ones that reveal themselves naturally. Being abandoned in the trenches by your "brother-in-arms", then getting pulled out by a select few, compounded with a new mindset can change your life.

The coronavirus pandemic, apparently, has failed to stem the months-long social unrest, with flash mob violence flaring up again since late April as the pandemic showed signs of easing. Radical protesters were out on the streets again over the weekend as residents celebrated Mother's Day, storming shopping malls across the city, and severely disrupting businesses.

Now, Amy hopes that others will reflect on their relationships with friends and their families. Even if one holds a different view of some issue, it shouldn't necessarily uproot the bonds.

Kipling's law of the jungle holds. Amy's still resolved to stay strong.