People more open to different lifestyle choices

Ling Zi, a 52-year-old consultant on marital issues, is also a member of the Zhejiang Mental Health Promotion Association.

It was unimaginable for Chinese couples of my generation to get married without a meeting of parents from both sides. Spending Spring Festival at whose parents' home was also never a question, as most couples followed the tradition of celebrating the festival with the husband's family.

These might result from people's low mobility at the time, when people were born and raised in a city or town and then went on to work, find spouses and live there. Against that backdrop, the home of a husband's parents was usually not far from that of his wife.

My parents lived only 10 minutes' walk from my husband's parents' home. When my husband and I decided to get married in 1990, my mother-in-law said she wanted to meet my mother to ensure that my mother permitted and supported the marriage.

So she went and had a very good talk with my mom, which was something I didn't expect. They became good friends and have visited each other from time to time ever since.

My mother always told me that a wife should follow the Chinese tradition of celebrating the festival with her husband's family members, especially on chuxi, New Year's Eve on the Chinese lunar calendar. She also told me that my mother-in-law was in poor health, and, as a daughter-in-law, I should keep her company.

Meanwhile, on the other side, my mother-in-law often persuaded me to spend important festivals with my mother (a widow) in case she felt lonely.
You see, both mothers are loving and tolerant, making some family stuff easier for me and my husband to handle.

This is my generation's story, which might be quite different from that of younger generations.

Compared with my generation, whose parents might play a big role in our life and choices, the younger generations are more independent and emphasize "boundaries" with parents.

They might have left home early to study or work in other cities, during which process they might have formed their own lifestyle. They want to make decisions on their own and dislike parents' intervention, whether it's about where to work and live, or who to marry.

My son, born in 1992, is an example. He has just ended a relationship with a girl in Shenzhen, Guangdong province, but my husband and I have never met the girl or her parents. Also, my son seldom said things about the girl, even when they were in a relationship.

I understand his need to maintain some distance from his parents to protect his privacy, which might explain some young couples' choices, like the parents of both sides not meeting, or the husband and wife spending Spring Festival separately with their own parents. These are all OK. No big deal.

If my son starts a new relationship and decides to get married in the future, I think I will respect his and his fiancee's will about whether to meet her parents.

As for where they spend Spring Festival, it's also up to them. Compared with these petty things, I care more about the young couple's happiness.

I don't know whether I represent lots of parents in today's China, but I believe people will be more open to different lifestyle choices as the economy develops and society progresses.

Ling Zi spoke with Zhao Xinying.