Why Westerners and Chinese are happy to date outside their ethnic comfort zones

There are three things Chinese parents dread for their daughters: that they don't marry, that they marry poor or that they do the unspeakable and marry non-Chinese.

Today, spinsterhood is no bad thing. Who better to take care of mom and pops when dementia or arthritis kicks in? Responsible, caring, plenty of free time unencumbered by romantic entanglements, the adult daughter is usually head and shoulders above the bachelor son who remains a man-child, depending on his mother to cook and clean for him well into his 40s.

However pleasant it is to be a parent, though, there's a greater sense of joy when one becomes a grandparent; most likely due to the fact it's perfectly acceptable to leave when the crying and wailing get too much - and that's just from the daughter. So when Chinese parents are faced with the choice of their daughters remaining single or marrying a foreigner, it's a two-pronged sword. The question that comes to their minds, 'What does she see in him?'

While almost all nationalities are represented in interracial relationships, the greater proportion is between Chinese women and American or European men. What is it then that attracts these men to Chinese women? Is it their petite size, willingness to submit to his needs, eagerness to help their man succeed? Duh, yes.

What about the women? Why wade into unfamiliar cross-cultural waters that include strange foods, weird customs and hobbies that require physical exertion beyond mall cruising? Maybe it's because Asian mothers are notorious for spoiling their sons. As the original "helicopter parents", they hover over their sons' lives, making sure they have everything they need. A wife is expected to not only continue on that path but also runs the risk of criticism from the mother-in-law if she deviates from the established standard.

When I was younger I dated Chinese men exclusively, albeit they were second generation. This is like drinking an Americano versus espresso. On the outside it had the same dark-roasted color, but on the inside it was all about meatball subs, camping and a stone-cold allegiance to Hockey Night in Canada. Then in my 20s I came to Beijing. My parents were delirious as the prospect of me marrying another Chinese increased half a billion-fold. Unfortunately, I realized that I too was an Americano and hung out with the other foreigners.

I did try my best to seek out other Chinese men, mainly from Hong Kong and Singapore, but one evening, being the lone female at a table of Chinese engineers (locals and expats), I could no longer overlook the bone-spitting, belching, rice-shoveling habits of my men folk. Maybe the grass was greener, maybe I neglected to factor in that they were engineers; whatever the reason, I widened my horizons and ended up married to a lily-white, corn-fed boy from the US Midwest.

Although I came from a fairly Western background, I wasn't expecting the culture shock of being in a relationship with a Westerner. Western men don't find being in a massive restaurant scrum during Sunday lunch pleasing, especially when getting a table entails hovering over other diners still slurping noodles. They don't like to eat foods known mainly for their texture; chicken feet, jellyfish, sea cucumber, moss hair and sweet bean soups of any color. They are not good at squatting and their Lazy-Boy thighs can't handle the pressure required for a late night session of mahjong.

However, Western men do make good cheerleaders, encouraging their partners to reach for their potential and sympathizing when they fall short. They understand that it's beside, not behind, every successful man that there is a successful woman.

So is it easier to be with someone who shares the same culture and sensibilities as yourself or not? In the end, it all comes down to individuals. Even though being with a Western man means adding extra-strength deodorant to your shopping list, it's a tradeoff - because come Thanksgiving turkey, we do stick to our own kind; he goes for the white meat and I get all the dark. I guess it's just a matter of taste.

The author is a Canadian freelance writer based in Beijing. To comment, e-mail metrobeijing@chinadaily.com.cn. The views expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of METRO.

(China Daily 05/19/2011)